Re: Do You WANT To Live In The Garage?
Posted by: funwithroommates on: August 6, 2011
- In: Eviction | Los Angeles | M | Roommate
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From: Me
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:06pm
To: MKR, Darling Roommate
Subject: Re: Do You WANT To Live In The Garage?
Dear M,
What the fuck is this? Did you forget that we have cupboards? Or that you have a perfectly good bedroom in which to store your pending binge? I mean I know that I’ve been known to go on a bender of booze from time to time, but they’re never PLANNED. And furthermore, they are just that, liquid benders. You are not going to be able to fit through doors if you continue to grocery shop like this.
Furthermore, it’s one thing to plan to let yourself go, but I don’t plan on losing the firm grip on my health that I have, and it is a proven fact that you can gain weight just by looking at food. It’s like fat osmosis or something, you’ll have to do the research yourself, because I now have to flee the apartment lest any of these calories jump from your bags of obesity and stick to my thighs.
I’m starting to think that you’re not quite the homespun, cornfed farm girl you sold yourself as, when I so benevolently agreed to take you into my home.
In sum, your food needs to kept out of my sight or I will be forced to have you move into the garage and increase your rent.
Jen
From: MKR, Darling Roommate
Sent: Monday, March 7, 4:31pm
To: Me
Subject: Re:re: Do You WANT To Live In The Garage?
Jen,
I tried calling you like five times. I keep getting this message that says the caller you have dialed does not accept calls from this number. Did you block me? I stopped at my friend’s house on my way home from work to email you. I’m sorry about the mess. Did you look through the bags? That’s the stuff for the earthquake kit you asked me to make. I just didn’t know where we should put it all. I didn’t mean to make you mad, and I’m not trying to infect you with fatness! I would never do that Jen, I agree with you that size zero is God’s favorite size.
I will put it all in my room, until you let me know where it should go. It’s just that I don’t have a lot of room in my closet since you still have your dresser on one side of it, and the vacuum and the ironing board and your tennis racket and your surfboard take up most of the other side of it. But I can just put it on my bed, I really don’t mind sleeping on the couch.
Ok, I’ll see you later, sorry again!!!
Xoxo
M.
GChat March 3, 2011 9:05am
Posted by: funwithroommates on: August 6, 2011
- In: Dates | Jeff | Los Angeles
- Leave a Comment
KELLY: hi hun! how goes it today?
im dragging ass, woke up totally bummed
JENNIFER: i believe the word would be “swimmingly”
KELLY: oh well hello!!!!
swimmingly huh? thats great
JENNIFER: my vagina hurts. I had to drive home from Jeff’s in the Los Angeles sun without sunglasses, and i haven’t had coffee
KELLY: HAHAAH
JENNIFER: how are YOU?
KELLY: man, we have no sun here
sucky
so… still seeing jeff huh? 
JENNIFER: i’m always kinda seeing jeff
i like him
KELLY: how are things going with him?
JENNIFER: well of course they’re disastrous
KELLY: HAHAHAH
disastrous??
oh no!
whats going on?
JENNIFER: that is said tongue in cheek, doll
things are the way they always are with jeff
dating him is basically like dating myself, save for the hobbling penis
JENNIFER: he’s a total nightmare
KELLY: impressive
Re: Aw, I’m Grateful for You!
Posted by: funwithroommates on: June 6, 2011
- In: Alcohol | Ex-Boyfriends | Jeff | Los Angeles | Venereal Diseases | Writing
- Leave a Comment
From: Me
Sent: Saturday, February 26, 2011 3:21 PM
To: Jeff, DBag Internet Lover
Subject:Re: Aw, I’m Grateful for You!
Dear Jeff,
Good to hear to hear from you. You always remind me that my life isn’t so bad after all. Plus, I needed to send you a debt of gratitude on account of this “program” of sorts that I am involved with. One of my homework assignments was to write down a list of things we are grateful for. Thanks to you contacting me I decided to dedicate a whole list of things directly pertaining to YOU that I’m grateful for. It’s so nice to feel appreciated isn’t it?
So without further ado:
*I am grateful that you didn’t give me HIV or Chlamydia or Gonorrhea or HIV. That was mighty benevolent of you. No word on Syphilis as apparently there’s an extra charge for that test, and frankly that’s money better spent at The Fox & Hounds, and I figure I’ll put the pieces together once I start going blind, so the test is pretty much a waste of my valuable time.
*I’m grateful that I don’t have to drive you to Jack In The Box in the morning, to watch you order 4 combo meals as you know I’m kind of a health nut, and watching you do such damage to your body via imbibing that poison was painful.
*I’m grateful that I never really had to watch your dog when you went out of town, because I like that dog, and I might have kept him and moved away with him and changed my number and blocked you on Facebook, and put him in movies and made a shit ton of money, and then later on I would have had to apologize to you for kidnapping him (that’s later in the program, but I read ahead), and probably pay you back all of the money I made off of him, so you saved me a lot of work. But if you want, you can send me a check for $48,750 because that’s how much money I was going to make off of him, and then I will send you back $24K and change and we’ll both win!
*I’m grateful that you still like playing “let’s pretend like we’re going to fuck” over text, and then never really going through with it, because let’s face it, those scratches and bruises were becoming increasingly hard to cover up. Wearing a turtlenecksfor weeks on end tends to pique the curiosity of my friends.
*Finally, I’m grateful that you confirmed a long held theory I’d had: Harlot=Hot.
Magnanimously yours,
Jenny
P.S. Saying you’re proud of me isn’t THAT gay of you, so don’t sweat it.
Original Message—-
From: Jeff, DBag Internet Lover
Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2011 11:54 PM
To: Me
Subject:Re: Hiya
as much as I hate losing such an entertaining, drunken, nympho like u to sobriety, I think it’s for the best but only cuz I like u. I really enjoyed the ride killer. there’s a lot I like about ya. the jeckel/hyde thing was a huge turn on. never knowing who was gonna show up. feel silly saying this but only cuz i know how hard it must be, but I’m proud of ya. i know what a big part of ur life it was, and I know how big a part it is of a writer’s life. i couldn’t do it, so I admire it. please go back to the blog, it was a terrific digression instead of jerking off in between writing sessions. best of luck to ya doll. there was a sadistic side that was really hoping it would work out between us. hope ya find what ya need. thats the point right? god bless.
Jeff
Re: Taking a Vacation
Posted by: funwithroommates on: June 6, 2011
- In: Birth Control | k | Los Angeles | My Manager is mean | Writing
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From: KM, Bitch Manager
Sent: Friday February 25, 2011 3:01 PM
To: Me
Subject: Re: re: re: No, Your Advance Does Not Come With Insurance
Jennifer,
I’m not at all surprised that you found a way to take advantage of the system. I admire your utter disregard for playing by the rules, which would be purchasing health insurance since you can afford it.
And of course, I’m certainly pleased to know that you won’t be procreating anytime soon. So, I suppose I should be grateful for your ingenuity in seeking out Planned Parenthood.
However, I’ve noticed that you’re barely blogging. You do know that this blog is to be the material for your book don’t you? Get to work. The clock is ticking.
KM
From: Me
Sent: Friday February 25, 2011 3:40
To: KM, Bitch Manager
Subject: Re: Taking a Vacation
On way to Mexico. Needed change of venue for inspiration. Will talk to u soon.
*Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my Blackberry®
Re: No, Your Advance Does Not Come With Insurance
Posted by: funwithroommates on: May 20, 2011
- In: Alcohol | k | Los Angeles | My Manager is mean
- 1 Comment
From: KM, Bitch Manager
Sent: Tuesday February 22, 2011 6:45AM
To: Me
Subject: Re: No, Your Advance Does Not Come With Insurance
Jennifer,
I got all 8 of your voicemails. And it sounded like you were in rare form for a Monday evening, or actually Tuesday morning. Glad to see that you’re continuing to celebrate your recent good fortune by drinking yourself into an early grave. I just wish you could see that your insidious lifestyle is going to drive me into one as well.
Pretty sure you won’t recall talking with me, so I figured I’d tell you for the 10th time that NO, YOU DID NOT GET HEALTH INSURANCE AS PART OF YOUR ADVANCE. If you would like health insurance you will need to purchase it, just like all of the other big boys and girls of the world. Ostensibly, you will use the money you have received as your advance to spring for this luxury.
Again, here’s what you’ll need to do:
1. Go online
2. Find a health care provider
3. Apply for insurance (you know I don’t like lying, but um, you may not want to be entirely honest when answering their questions about your lifestyle. People drink, and insurers know that. But no need to be overly liberal with your admission of how much you drink, as the provider is not going to be particularly eager to shell out millions trying to combat your impending liver failure, alcoholic coma or on the other end, to pay for your care once you’ve actually turned yourself into a wet brain.)
4. Pay for the insurance. It will probably take a week for you to receive approval, and that’s if you straight up lie about your entire lifestyle. Maybe you should try answering the questions as if you were me. Or any other functioning adult in their mid 30’s.
Let me know if you need more help. I mean, in regards to this issue.
K
P.S Why the urgency to see a doctor? Oh never mind. I don’t even want to know.
From: Me
Sent: Friday February 25, 2011 2:59PM
To: KM, Bitch Manager
Subject: Re:re: No, Your Advance Does Not Come With Insurance
K,
You know I don’t lie. God frowns upon that sort of thing. But apparently you don’t love God as you are clearly an advocate of lying by omission. This is plainly evidenced by the fact that you neglected to mention that health insurance is not required to see a doctor. I marched my ass right into Planned Parenthood today for a couple of tests, and not only was it FREE, but they give you prizes! Look at all the things I won after I got A+s on all of my tests.
Anyway, as usual thanks for nothing. Have yourself a boring little weekend.
Jen
Re: Earthquake Preparedness
Posted by: funwithroommates on: May 15, 2011
- In: Alcohol | Belvedere | Los Angeles | M | Roommate | Vibrators
- Leave a Comment
From: Me
Sent: Saturday February 19, 2011 1:18PM
To: MKR, Darling Roommate
Subject: Re: Earthquake Preparedness
Dear M,
Hope you’re having a dazzling day serving that paste of water and flour that is sure to make our country even fatter, to say nothing of furthering the epidemic of heart disease. I know that I for one couldn’t sleep with that kind of blood on my hands, but if you can rest easy after doling out waffles as if they were vitamins; then I suppose more power to you.
Speaking of resting easy, wasn’t last night a real eye opener? Granted, I know it wasn’t really an earthquake, but you have to admit, it sure felt like one. Holy cow, I love my new vibrator. That thing is packing some serious throttle. True, there appears to be a minor design flaw, what with it turning itself on at 2:30 in the morning and setting off the seismograph in Van Nuys and all, but really I think that is God at work. He wants us to be prepared for a real earthquake.
So, let’s get a kit together, shall we? We don’t want to be those assholes on the evening news who are caught empty handed and unprepared, knowing full well we live directly atop the San Andreas Fault. I mean really, might as well live at the base of Mt. Vesuvius without a fire extinguisher for all that pesky lava.
I feel like you’re really good at buying stuff, so I made a list for you.
*Batteries (including AAA for my new little gift from God)
*Flashlight or Miner’s Hats (BUT if you go with hats, stay away from the standard issue white ones. Makes my skin look sallow. Baby blue is far more flattering.)
*Carton of Marlboro Ultra Lights
*Tampons (oh shit, that reminds me…hey do you know when I had my last period?)
*Some kind of food stuff, like Brie and Water Crackers would be good.
*Poop bags for Frankie. Earthquakes are NO EXCUSE for not cleaning up after your pet.
*Pellegrino. Tap water is ghetto enough before a quake. After the big one I can only imagine how fucking skid row it is.
*Handle of Belvedere-better make it two. Who knows what the pickings will be like after all of the looting, and I am NOT drinking Smirnoff.
*Johnnie Walker Blue Label (for disinfecting and stuff)
*Condoms. Safety never sleeps… even in the face of calamity.
*Pup-Peronis, Beggin’ Strips and Milk Bones. Frankie is still a good boy, devastating natural disaster or not.
*Bath & Body Works Pure Seduction Hand Sanitizer. I mean really, we’re not savages for crying out loud.
Ok, I think that’s it. How soon do you think you can get this together? And don’t worry about paying me back for this valuable lesson. I know that you can’t put a price tag on me saving your life, so just buy the stuff and we’ll call it even.
Try not to feel too much like the Grim Reaper today. After all, humans were given free-will, so you’re not exclusively to blame for early onset diabetes in our youth. You’re still really young, and if you pray a whole bunch maybe someday you’ll become the kind of compassionate selfless person I know you can be. I mean, I’m trying to lead by example here, M. Just open your eyes.
Xoxo
Jenny
Re: Thanks for Nothing, Satan
Posted by: funwithroommates on: May 15, 2011
- In: Alcohol | Jealousy | k | Los Angeles | My Manager is mean
- Leave a Comment
From: Me
Sent: Friday February 18, 2011 1:46PM
To: KM, Bitch Manager
Subject: Re: Thanks for nothing, Satan
K,
I ask for one teeny, tiny favor, and you can’t even find it within yourself to oblige me. Isn’t that your fucking job? Lest you forget I just made you a shit ton of money. But I put in one itty bitty request, namely THAT YOU BE SURE THAT THE HAIR SALON YOU BOOK MY APPOINTMENT AT HAS A FULL BAR, and instead you send me to some low-brow hack joint with this posted on the side of the building.
Needless to say, it wasn’t Holly’s fault that my manager is inept, so I gave her the $200 you gave me, so she didn’t waste her time. She is a stylist and has to pay rent at the salon you know. Her baby daddy pays her other rent, but that is fucking irrelevant, K. She was so floored by my magnanimous nature that she invited me out for a drink, because that’s how you show people you appreciate them. NOT by sending your meal ticket into the lion’s den by forcing her to sit through two hours of bleach, and perfunctory small talk with a stranger who has scissors in her hand. That is just bad manners.
Maybe YOU should take yourself to an etiquette class.
Jen
Re: You Don’t Have To Be Such An Ingrate
Posted by: funwithroommates on: April 8, 2011
- In: AA | Alcohol | Internet | Jeff | Los Angeles | M | Roommate | Vibrators
- Leave a Comment
From: Me
Sent: Friday February 18, 2011 9:08AM
To: MKR, Darling Roommate
Subject: Re: You Don’t Have To Be Such An Ingrate
Dear M,
Just so that you know, I didn’t appreciate your snotty ass attitude on the phone earlier. I wouldn’t have to fucking call you if you would get rid of that dinosaur you call a cell phone and get yourself attired with a proper 21st century whizbang piece of technology so that I could text you like I text every other person I know (and even some I don’t know, which I do with acute precision even after loads of liquor). The point is, your phone sucks and if you don’t want me calling you at work, get a new one. Must I remind you that you told me that it was fine to call you at work in an emergency?
Anyway if you know what’s good for you, you’ll bring me home one of those pizza waffles I like so much and maybe a nice bottle of sauv. blanc to accompany it. Or no, maybe some Absolut Pear would be better. But I’ll need you to grab club soda and maraschino cherries too. OOOOH, wait, I forgot how much I love whiskey now. But not the shitty stuff. Johnnie Walker Blue Label, if you don’t mind. That black and red label shit is for fucking hillbillies.
Ok, so just bring that home with my dinner and we can sweep your little shitty attitude right under the rug with no hard feelings. But now I have to run because I need to catch the Pony Express before it leaves for another month, since I’m certain that since you can’t seem to manage texts, you certainly won’t be able to wrap your technologically inept brain around reading an email.
Xoxo
Jenny
From: MKR, Darling Roommate
Sent: Friday February 18, 2011 11:38AM
To: Me
Subject: Re:re: You Don’t Have To Be Such An Ingrate
Dear Jen,
Of course it’s ok if you call me at work in an emergency. It’s just that I work at a breakfast restaurant and you called at 9am, and I know you mean well, but I don’t really think that asking me if I want to go vibrator shopping after work is an emergency? I mean, don’t get me wrong Jen, the sex toy store is definitely intimidating and I am happy to go with you, I just had about 12 tables when you called, and people get cranky if they don’t get their coffee right away.
You know how you are before your morning mimosa-hold the orange juice-? That’s how my customers are without their coffee. So I’m sorry if I sounded like I was an ingrate, you know I never mean to sound snotty!
Anyway, I should be home around 3:30. See you soon!
Love,
M
From: Me
Sent: Friday February 18, 2011 12:20PM
To: MKR, Darling Roommate
Subject: Re:re:re You Don’t Have To Be Such An Ingrate
Don’t bother rushing home on my account. As you can see, I took myself out for a little drinky poo, with my real friends, Xanax and Klonipin.
Also, if you hadn’t been in such a rush to give your customers unfuckingdeserved good service, you would know that I wasn’t just calling to see about sex toy shopping. I was calling to tell you that JEFF FUCKING TEXTED ME. And I would have gladly forwarded your Amish ass the text but well, I’ve said more than enough about your shitty phone.
Yes, Jeff. As in, from the internet Jeff? Jeff who gave me hoof and mouth disease then disappeared after I went on that tiny little coke induced rampage. What a pussy that guy is.
Anyway he clearly misses me. Or he misses my beaver, hard to say which. But he messaged to ask why I haven’t been blogging, so he’s obviously still carrying some sort of torch for me. Let’s just hope it’s not a torch or any burning sensation down THERE, you know? That would suck. I’m totally not into Venereal Diseases.
But that’s not the best part, M! The best part is that I told him some cockamamie story about getting sober and the simp fucking fell for it. Don’t ask why, it just seemed like the right thing to do since he used to tell me that I was the most outstanding alcoholic he’d ever met. And also because lying is super fun, and you know that I am really into super fun things.
I’ll forward you the heartfelt email I got from him. Fucking priceless.
But, for the record I’m still mad at you.
Xoxo
jen
From: Me
Sent: Friday February 18, 2011 12:33PM
To: MKR, Darling Roommate
Subject: FW: Hiya
M,
This is what he sent me! Can you even stand it?
Hurry up and get off work so you can pick me up and we can go to Romantix. You deserve to feel loved too, even if it’s only a battery operated boyfriend giving you attention.
Xoxo
jen
Original Message—-
From: Jeff, DBag Internet Lover
Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2011 11:54 PM
To: Me
Subject:Re: Hiya
as much as I hate losing such an entertaining, drunken, nympho like u to sobriety, I think it’s for the best but only cuz I like u. I really enjoyed the ride killer. there’s a lot I like about ya. the jeckel/hyde thing was a huge turn on. never knowing who was gonna show up. feel silly saying this but only cuz i know how hard it must be, but I’m proud of ya. i know what a big part of ur life it was, and I know how big a part it is of a writer’s life. i couldn’t do it, so I admire it. please go back to the blog, it was a terrific digression instead of jerking off in between writing sessions. best of luck to ya doll. there was a sadistic side that was really hoping it would work out between us. hope ya find what ya need. thats the point right? god bless.
Jeff
Re: You Astound Me
Posted by: funwithroommates on: March 28, 2011
- In: Alcohol | Attorney | Confusion | k | Las Vegas | Los Angeles | Rob
- Leave a Comment
From: KM, Bitch Manager
Sent: Thursday February 17, 2011 7:58AM
To: Me
Subject: Re: You Astound Me
Jennifer,
Occasionally you surprise me. No, that’s not entirely true. You surprise me on a daily basis, especially when you arrive for a meeting with one of the largest publishing houses in the world looking like this:
I’ve seen hookers who look better after a full night’s work, than you do on a Wednesday evening. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t remember, but I slipped $200 bucks in your wallet, and you have an appointment to get your roots done on Friday at 1:30pm. I know that’s before your normal “call time,” but for Pete’s Sake, do yourself this favor and spruce yourself up. Maybe see if you can throw in a deep conditioning treatment, too. It’s the least you can do to celebrate your NEW BOOK DEAL!
I know that I’ve been hard on you, but you really astounded me last night. You were articulate-dare I say linear- in your delivery. You made me proud to represent you. I have never heard you speak with such passion about a project before, and it really paid off, Jen.
I have sent the contract to the attorney to review before signing, but it should be good to go. I’m still in shock by the advance you’re getting. I’ve said it before, but my God you must have good karma, because I’ve never seen an initial offer this high. Now, get to work. The clock is ticking. You have six weeks to get the first six chapters to RH.
Proud to call you my client, Jen. This is only just the beginning.
Regards,
KM
From: Me
Sent: Thursday February 17, 2011 2:01PM
To: KM, Bitch Manager
Subject: Re:re: You Astound Me
K,
See? I told you to have faith in me. I know what I’m doing. Absinthe is pure magic. So glad to hear that I got a deal. What book am I supposed to be writing though? The meeting is a little foggy, so if you could send me a recap of the topic of the book I’ll start writing it straightaway. Also, where did you book my hair appointment? Do they serve wine? I hate those non-alcoholic salons. So 2000 and late.
So, send me the book idea and I’ll write it. Oh, and also please put $500 bucks in my paypal account. I have to settle a tab in Vegas still or Rob can’t come home.
Talk soon.
Jenny
RE: STOP LYING
Posted by: funwithroommates on: March 23, 2011
- In: Alcohol | Jealousy | k | Las Vegas | Los Angeles | My Manager is mean
- Leave a Comment
From: KM, Bitch Manager
Sent: Wednesday February 16, 2011 12:17PM
To: Me
Subject: Re: STOP LYING
Jennifer,
Your phone is right beside you in the photo you sent me. Seriously, if you’re going to lie to me, at least put in minimal effort to make it a good lie. I have called you six times in the last five minutes. I do not have time to even begin to wonder why you thought going to Vegas was a good idea. But I can tell you that these decisions that you seem to think are cute, endearing, or quirky are not. You are 33 years old for crying out loud, and you’re throwing every opportunity in the world away. This is not a fucking joke.
There is a 2:20pm flight on Southwest back to Los Angeles. Get your ass to the airport or I quit. I will send you confirmation of the flight I’m booking for you momentarily. I am dead serious, if you miss this flight, we are THROUGH.
K
From: KM, Bitch Manager
Sent: Wednesday February 16, 2011 12:45 PM
To: Me
Subject: Re:Flight Info
Jennifer,
You are booked on flight #457, leaving Vegas at 2:23pm. Confirmation #AZV###. I will pick you up at baggage claim. Confirm receipt.
K
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday February 16, 2011 12:51PM
To: KM, Bitch Manager
Subject: Re:re: Flight Info
K,
Hey there stick in the mud. Thanks for ruining my vacation. I’m going to the airport, but help me God if we don’t get a deal out of this, you are reimbursing me for the cab fare to the airport. This is bullshit, I needed this vacation. But at least I have a permanent souvenir. Check out this tattoo I got last night. Any idea what it means? Me neither. I’d totally go to the tattoo shop and ask them what it means BUT you can’t just go walking in asking why you got a tattoo, or people look at you funny (reference that weird little flag I have on my wrist. That’s why I tell people I won a relay race).
Anywho, enough about the permanent reminder of how you ruined my vacation.
See you in a bit, and I’ll expect you to have me a Belvedere infused Red Bull when I land, or believe me you’ll be sorry.
Very INsincerely yours,
Jennifer
